What to Do When You’re Asked Out

August 8, 2010
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When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you often don’t have a plus-one, even though you’re part of a couple. That is, since our sweetheart’s so far away, you’re bound to end up attending work events, dinner parties, and weddings solo once in a while.

As a result, people who don’t know you well might get the impression that you’re single. Advances are fairly easy to handle when they’re straightforward. But what about the invitations to grab a cup of coffee or a bite for lunch? You don’t want to turn down a perfectly friendly outing by assuming the other person intends it as a date—but you also don’t want to lead someone on. So what are some tactful ways to handle ambiguous invitations?

Simply accept.
If the outing seems more friendly than romantic, sometimes the least awkward route is to accept the invitation. If it’s to visit the farmer’s market with a coworker over the weekend, for example, you can always bring up your partner in conversation then, or deflect any clear advances if and when they happen.

Ask how the other person intends it.
This can be a little uncomfortable, but it’s the only way to get a clear answer right away. When someone invites you out somewhere, you can just say, “As a date?” If the answer’s yes, you can say, “Thanks, but I’m in a long-distance relationship.” And if the answer’s no, just clear the awkwardness by saying, “Great. I just wanted to make sure, because I’m in a relationship.”

Make it a group thing.
This is a more indirect way to respond, but it does make it clear that you don’t intend the outing as a date. If an acquaintance asks you out to a movie, for example, you can respond with “Sure—my friend Jane wants to see that one, too. Maybe we could all go one of these days.”

Although people in any type of relationship are subject to dealing with ambiguous invitations, long-distance relationships can leave more room for misinterpretation, as you attend dinner parties and company events alone. Being prepared for this will make it less awkward when it happens.

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Finding Balance

July 11, 2010
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Long-distance relationships are an exercise in compromise. Staying close despite the miles between you requires agreement on who does most of the traveling (and how frequent the visits are), who shoulders the burden of expenses, how much time you can each take off of work, and how often you communicate throughout the week. The need to find balance in each of these areas means that good communication is absolutely essential in making a long-distance romance last.

I should point out that by “balance,” I don’t mean “a 50/50 split in everything.” If one of you has a more flexible job, it’ll make sense for that person to do more of the traveling. Maybe one of you earns less than the other or has an annoying roommate. One of you is outgoing and could talk all night long, while the other finds long, rambling phone conversations excruciating. You’ll need to recognize and consider all of these little factors if you’re seeking the right kind of give-and-take for your relationship.

To get there, you really have to know yourself and your partner. Know what you require in a relationship and what your partner can realistically give, and build compromises together.

For further tips and advice:

Communicating in a Long-Distance Relationship
When all you want is to hear his voice, how do you deal with a long-distance partner who doesn’t say much on the phone?

Who Should Pay for Travel?
It might be overseas flights if you live in different countries, or it might be half a tank of gas if you’re a few hours away. Either way, someone has to cover the expense. But who?

The Office
A long-distance relationship can have implications for your schedule, your vacation time, and even your average workday.

Define Yourselves
Establish boundaries early on so that both of you are on the same page when you go out separately with your friends.

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How to Prepare for a Long-Distance Emergency

June 23, 2010
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Although it’s important for all couples to have a way to contact each other during an emergency, it helps to do a little bit of extra planning in a long-distance relationship—after all, you can’t easily drop by your sweetheart’s home or office when something goes wrong. Here are a few steps you can take to make sure you can reach each other when you absolutely need to:

Exchange emergency contact numbers: Each of you should have phone numbers for two or three of your partner’s coworkers, friends, roommates, or family members—people who live close by.

Know each other’s info: It’s a good idea to jot down your partner’s home and work addresses, so that if you ever need to ask someone to stop over there, you know where to send them. In addition, tuck a note in your wallet with your partner’s phone number, so someone will know to contact him or her if you’re in an accident.

Keep an emergency fund: For peace of mind, I always liked to have enough cash set aside in the bank to pay for a last-minute plane ticket if something came up and I needed to fly to where my partner lived.

Most of this is “set it and forget it” information—hopefully, you’ll never have a situation arise where you need to use it. But having this quick, one-time discussion is a good way to ensure you can always get in touch with each other in an emergency, even when you’re miles and miles apart.

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What Happens After You Move?

June 7, 2010
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When you’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a while, much of the focus is on moving to be closer together. It can seem like the ultimate goal you’re working toward, and your conversations will focus on who should move and when. But before you take the leap, it’s worth thinking about how you’ll handle the weeks right after you move.

If your partner moves to your city:
It can seem like a lot of pressure, to be the reason someone leaves their friends, family, and job behind to move to a new place; but your sweetie’s success in the new city is not your sole responsibility. However, there are some things you can do out of fairness and love to make the transition easier.

-Help with the career search: Your partner will have left most (or all) of their job contacts behind, so reach out to your own network of peers—maybe you know someone who knows someone who’s hiring. Talk to your partner about which parts of town to focus the job search in, and which companies are highly regarded in your city.

-Sow the seeds of a social life: Hopefully, your partner will make an effort to meet people and make friends of their own, but it can be hard at first, not knowing anyone. Invite him or her to get to know your friends, and find some community events for the two of you to participate in.

-Know when to stand back: To feel truly at home in this new place, your partner needs to feel independent there. Let him drive himself places and learn the streets; let her try out that pottery class she’s always wanted to take.

-Know when to be supportive: Moving to a new place is hard, and your partner will naturally feel homesick from time to time. Make it easy for them to call or visit friends and family at any time, and be a shoulder to lean on when all the change feels overwhelming.

If you move to your partner’s city:

-Take the initiative: Pick up your new city’s newspaper to find local events and classes you might be interested in. Drive around, get lost, find your way back to your new home. Introduce yourself to your new neighbors.

-Lean on your partner, but don’t expect them to carry you: Needing support and reassurance is OK, of course, but do what you can to adapt to your new surroundings.

-Take it slow: Don’t feel bad if you miss things about your hometown. It will take some time for this new place to grow on you—to find new favorite restaurants and parks and shops, and to get the hang of your new job. Give yourself permission to make the transition at your own pace.

It will take some time, but slowly build your own identity in your new place, whether it’s finding work you enjoy, making friends, getting involved in the community, or simply letting yourself fall in love with the city itself. Although your partner might always be the main reason you’re living in that particular area, you’ll feel much more at home if you can find your own happiness there, too.

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A Long-Distance Birthday

May 22, 2010
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During the two years my partner and I were long-distance, we were never able to spend our birthdays together. Usually, we managed to schedule a visit within a week or two, but plane-ticket prices and our work schedules kept us from spending the day itself in-person until we finally moved in together. I suspect many of you are in the same position—so how do you make your sweetheart’s birthday special even when you can’t be there?

Get help from someone who can be there. If you know your partner’s roommate or coworkers and think they’d be willing, you could mail them a box of balloons, streamers, and other decorations a few days in advance, and enlist their help in making your sweetie’s room or cubicle look festive.

Let your partner choose an activity. If your girlfriend loves it when you read to her over the phone, but you usually avoid doing so at all costs, make an exception on her birthday. Or maybe it’s playing an online video game, or watching a movie that you usually wouldn’t choose yourself but that your partner has been looking forward to seeing.

Schedule a special activity for your next visit. Even if his birthday is in August and you won’t be there until late September, you can still plan something fun—a concert, a museum trip, etc.—as a belated birthday celebration. Just be sure to acknowledge the day itself in some way, too.

Get creative. Give yourself some time to think about your partner and what type of gesture he or she would really appreciate—something clever and thoughtful. This DIY Birthday Surprise in the Mail idea from the Oh Happy Day! blog, for example, is a great idea.

Be silly and sweet. Sing “happy birthday” on their voicemail, even if you’re a bad singer (especially if you’re a bad singer).

Plan ahead. Being in a long-distance relationship makes it tough to leave your shopping for the last minute—unless you want to pay a small fortune for overnight shipping. Even if you and your partner don’t exchange birthday gifts, you can never go wrong by taking the time to write a thoughtful note several days in advance to make sure it arrives on his or her special day.

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